BrokenMomTina
Registered: 01/02/06
Posts: 4
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Reply with quote | #1 |
I am a preacher's daughter who has raised 4 great kids... only something went wrong the day after Christmas. My 21 year old son sat me down to tell me he is gay. This has been the worst week of my life. I have raised all my children in church... I just don't know what went wrong or what I did wrong. He currently attends Saint Louis University (a very liberal university)... and although he says he still loves the Lord and has a personal relationship with Jesus, he says in his opinion... it ok to be a "gay Christian"... What am I suppose to do? I am normally the one who fixes everything... I have a very influential and demanding job... I'm always in control... but this last week, I thought about suicide and I have to take sleeping pills at night to sleep. I can't eat, sleep... I can't even breathe... I feel like I am dieing and I think his death would have been easier on me than walking through this valley. Is there ANY hope?
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Broken-Mom Tina |
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grolab
Registered: 02/09/06
Posts: 4
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Reply with quote | #2 |
tina, I am sad that you have to go through your struggle. Will pray for the Father's comfort for you. I agree with rockinron... stay in relationship with your son. He needs it as much as you do. If you pull away you risk contributing to a deeper fall into your son's struggle. who he is and what he does is about him before the Lord and is not a reflection of you as a parent. All immorality is insideous and grieves the Father... the gay life style is no exception. God calls all to purity and our response to a gay son or daughter should be the same as to a straight child's immorality. You/we can only pray for their protection, continue to love our kids unconditionally, and ask our Lord to set His uneasiness in your son's heart. Deep within each of us is a longing for something that the temptor uses against us to direct our focus away from life in Christ. Be a sounding board that allows your son the opportunity to safely examine what that might be. Be honest with him about your fear for his safety (the gay life style often turns out to be a great deal less than "gay"). Should or when your son discovers that personally, he will need an unconditional shoulder on which to process his pain. You want to be that person... be honest about your own struggle with his news and it is okay for him to know of your sadness. May you have His comfort |
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grolab
Registered: 02/09/06
Posts: 4
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Reply with quote | #3 |
Tina just a bit more... yes there is hope. you still have raised 4 great children and God will bless you for that and has. You have great insight into who you are and about needing to control and fix everything and everybody. As admirable as that strength is and it has served you well professionally, god needs for you to know you can't control or fix anything. This can be a precious and sweet time for you as you learn to let Him work in and through you. This is not meant to be harsh or judgmental or trite. Admitting that we are powerless is the not only the initial step in recovery, it is the initial step in salvation, redemption and our ultimate process of being made into the image of Christ... Breathe him (your son) in and breathe Him as well!! This IS an admonishment... do not do this alone! You aren't the first nor will you be the last Christian parent to experience this. hold nothing back... fear, tears, anger, suicidal thoughts. You didn't mention the father of your kids but if he is not around or is but incapable of being involved... find a safe man and his wife to process this with. a former coach, a pastor, a therapist. Dark days brought into His light defuses the power they have over us. He heals, |
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Scott2002
Registered: 07/02/06
Posts: 4
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Reply with quote | #4 |
As a ay man I am going to give some input without the biast or opinions of those who have not experienced it for themselves. You don't choose to be gay, neither did your son. I hate to bust the bubbles of those who say otherwise, but these feelings start to come out very early on. ALso it is no a LIFESTYLE. With out the debate of religion, let's lay some truth out here. Being gay IS NOT a choice. Noone would choose to be gay or bisexual. It is not an illness. If you think it is, then you have very little knowledge in the matter. You can not be shocked straight. Anyone who would put their child through that needs their head examined, and to be brought up on child abuse charges. Therapists can not make you straight. I worked under cover in so called RETURN HOME groups that tried to convince Gay men and woman they can just change. I hate to break it to you but I did a 150 page report on 3 of these groups, and all 3 were brought up on charges. 1 group leader was brought up on charges leading to a Gay mans death. Sure some may try to be straight but most in these groups lived double lives and were dishonest to both partners they maintained. All 3 groups I went into are now under charges and closed down. You did not make your son gay. Stop thinking it is something you did. My mother asked me the same thing "WHat did I do wrong"? I just laughed nd told her nothing. The gay "SCENE" is not a good place for young gay men and woman. I myself love to go out and dance (I am a dancer and perform in the arts). However it is the worst place to meet someone. You can tell your son that I told him to stay clear of men there. love finds you, don't go looking for it. Not all gay men are out for sex. I myself don't look at a guy as a toy. I look at their inner being and if there is a connection. Yes I am a rare find, but there are others out there like me. YOUR SON IS GAY. Accept it or move on. Seems harsh but this is fact. He is your son, and insted of debating what you did wrong, hope he finds someone who will treat him good. As fa as being a temptation. Men and woman included yourself are tempted by sex and love, it's what YOU are as an individual that defines love. Stop being blinded. If 2 people love each other unconditionally based on trust and truth rather then sexual desires, that is what is important. I have seen gay couples last longer then most heterosexual marriages. Gay or straight , trust and honesty plays a key role.
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Do we know the truth as written by god or the truth as written by man? |
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RevJim
Registered: 11/17/06
Posts: 8
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Reply with quote | #5 |
Dear Sister, As a firm Conservative Fundamentalist Christian, I would like to address your comments. You mentioned that you are usually the one to "fix" things. I suppose now that the most important thing for you to fix is your spirit of condemnation - both against yourself and your son. It is written that there is therefore now NO condemnation for them that be in Christ Jesus. Being a Christian you know full well that faith in Jesus, not sexual identity, is the only factor for salvation. Your son claims to love the Lord Jesus. For you to outrageously prefer your son's death rather than his homosexuality proves, not that you did anything wrong as a mother that resulted in his homosexuality, but that you are simply an unfit mother, and by your own damnable and despicable words you have abdicated your parenthood over your son. You have certainly placed homosexuality as the greatest of sins, so that you would rather he had died, when God Himself did not even see it serious enough an issue to include in His ten commandments. I feel sorry that your son, who, rather than lie to you and hide who he is, came to you with this burden, and you say YOU are devasted. HE should be devasted for his choice to trust you. There are only two things that your son now needs from anyone: love and respect. And anyone who cannot give him those two things has no place in his life. - Rev. Jim Cunningham King James Bible Ministry Host of http://www.GayChristianSurvivors.com - Refuting the Church's anti-gay views with the Word of God
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There is, therefore, now NO condemnation for them that be in Christ Jesus. |
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Jezebel
Registered: 12/13/06
Posts: 1
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Reply with quote | #6 |
Wow! Reverend Jim ROCKS! Here I was thinking all fundies are hate-filled, ignorant homophobes, but he restored my "faith" that a few of them might just be human, after all.
As to the mother who started this thread: SHAME ON YOU! If you can't love your son for being just as god made him, tell him so and let him leave home never to have any contact with you whatsoever. But, if you'd rather he be dead than gay, don't count on getting into heaven yourself.
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monkey
Registered: 04/17/06
Posts: 16
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Reply with quote | #7 |
Brothers and Sisters, I pray that you might love each other as Christ has demonstrated His love for all, even those who have rejected Him not only as God but also as a man. Christ too, like us knows the nonacceptance and rejection as a human being. I am saddened to read here what seems to come across as an attack. I find it ironic to read that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, and yet the tone of some of the words spoken here seem to me to do just this. Might we have the wisdom to recognise that all who have spoken here have confessed a love for Jesus Christ, demonstrating a journey of fellowship with Him. Might we put aside our denominational differences and doctrinal beliefs and allow our fellow travellers respite in sharing their burden and offer our understanding and support. Might we work toward ourselves belonging to God more and more. Be God's |
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paulc
Registered: 10/08/05
Posts: 85
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Reply with quote | #8 |
This thread caught my eye because there have been over a thousand views of it and only a very few responses. Major thanks to "grolab" for his responses of wisdom, kindness, and understanding. Some of the responses that follow are very cruel and condemnatory, from both sides of the issue. Tina, you never came back again to post, but maybe you have been reading all of this. Maybe some of the process that grolab described has happened and things are better. I pray that that is so. The Proverbs of the Bible give us general truths of wisdom. We may see what seem to be exceptions to them, because God does not force people to submit to His will, but we can still pray them for a person's life. I am thinking about the one that tells us to train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Keep on loving, keep on praying, being there with that listening ear. Let you son know that he can always open up to you and still be loved. The final chapter is not yet written. I pray for God to continue His work in your lives.
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your friend in Christ,
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JohnTheGeek
Registered: 02/23/07
Posts: 1
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Reply with quote | #9 |
Wow, I want to add some thoughts on this to the original contributer.
The basic problem here actually has nothing to do with homosexuality at all. As parents, we all have a certain expectation we set (for ourselves) and our children do not always live up to our own expectations. But they are just that - our own expectations. You wanted him to play the trumpet in 7th grade but he went and learned the electric guitar in your garage instead, you wanted him to listen to Beethoven, but he listens to some metal band you've never heard of. The list goes on and on. All parents fall into this trap you're in. You're situation is only unsettling because you have made it that way.
Homosexuality is just a buzz word. It's not a family-destroying issue and should not be a spot of discomfort within your family. He's still your son, and you still love him. Nothing else matters. I have dinner with my mother all the time with my wife and kids and it should not come as a surprise to you that my sex life has never come up once as a topic of conversation at the table. A word to the wise... you son's sexuality shouldn't either. It has never made my mother feel awkward because frankly she doesn't think about it, and nor should she. Maybe your son's really gay, maybe he's just confused? Whatever you want to believe is fine because your beliefs are irrelevant here. You must let him live his own journey, by himself and without your judgement.
He's either your son, or he's just a fag. You choose. And I can tell you which choice should be the right answer, and I hope you make the right choice for both of your sake.
Your son isn't the one destroying your family, your own fears are. |
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leorocks261
Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 1
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Reply with quote | #10 |
well....I won't be much help probably but he is your son and you SHOULD love him no matter what and God hates the sin loves the person no matter what ...and I just wanted to say ..mostly all you can do is show that you love your son and pray that he will see that gayness is wrong...fro years I was gay ...I was raised Christian,but during my teen years my dad hurt me really badly and it shook my faith because he was loved in the church and was a so called perfect Christian.....I soon became lost in worldly things then believed I was gay....I recently found the Lord and realized that being gay was a choice your not born that way even though society says you are ...being gay is a choice and so I realized I wasn't living a lifestyle that was good and I am now back in the church and doing allot better and I am straight =) so just please show your son love but make it clear you love him no matter what but what he is doing is wrong
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The lone wolf |
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sannell
Registered: 05/01/08
Posts: 1
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Reply with quote | #11 |
Tina,
I am going thru the exact same thing with my 17 yo son. I too, feel like I'm dying. My heart is shattered. It seems there is no hope. He informed me yesterday that he had sex with another boy and I feel like someone is smothering me. I can't breathe. I have thought the same way you have as well. It tears me apart knowing the pain and suffering my son will endure by being gay. I don't know how to help my son. I know I would rather die than feel this pain. I do know that our sons sins are no different from someone who tells a lie. I am disgusted with the way that so called Christians today want to point out homesexuality as the ultimate sin however I believe God view it no differently from the man in the church who lust after another man's wife or the white lie that we tell from time to time or the woman that just gossiped about another woman. I am a Christian however I have a major problem with religious people who fails to look at the sin in their own lives. Know that you are not alone on this journey, there are other mothers that feel your pain. Just love your son just as Jesus loves you in the midst of your sin. I'm not saying agree with him, but I think you should try to understand him. I can promise you he is stuggling really bad with this so there is no doubt he needs you. I met a young man that was a homesexual and he explained to me that when his parents decided they did not want him to be a part of their lives any longer, this made him run further into the homesexual world. My heart bleeds for them. Take care and I'm here for you. I am praying for your pain.
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PressingOn
Registered: 05/16/08
Posts: 3
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Reply with quote | #12 |
I'm sure that it is quite a shock to you. But you can't go overboard! You have already let him know that you don't approve and are hurt, but you can't reject him or stop loving him. The "gay" community and the media will tell people with same-sex attractions that if they tell the truth about their feelings or practices that they will be rejected, cast out, reviled and left for dead. The community will whisper "Come be with us! We will welcome you, accept you and cherish and nurture you!" You can't change your son, but you can pray for him and yourself. But most of all-LOVE HIM! Homosexuality is a complex and serious sin are are all sexual sins, but how would it look if you rejected your son but accepted equally sinful behavior of a heterosexual nature in a sibling of his?
There are resources for understanding the roots of homosexuality. There are two audio programs here. Look for books by Joe Dallas and check out the videos at purepassion.us for information and insight.
I thought I was gay for 30 years and was addicted to m*sterbation and gay porn. Then three years ago, when I just didn't wanted to live anymore-I gave up trying by myself and asked God to help me. I have been delivered from much and keep asking God to draw me closer.
Don't go turbo-dramatic and make a damaging spectacle of yourself!
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Get Back On that Horse |
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aawm2008
Registered: 07/04/08
Posts: 1
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Reply with quote | #13 |
I want you to know that I truly feel your pain. My 9th grade son revealed to me, just a few months ago, that he is gay. It was the worst day of my life. I stayed in bed crying and vomiting all day. I could hardly find the strength to get up and walk to the bathroom. That's the only time in my life I have truly put any thought into committing suicide. Thank goodness I had enough faith through Jesus Christ in me to grasp a hold of those thoughts and tell the devil to get away from me.
I don't claim to be a perfect mom but I have always raised my children based on Christian values and have always taken them to church. My husband, the father to them, has just in the past 2 years started going to church with us. (PRAISE THE LORD) He went with us sometimes previous to that but never really let the Lord work in his life (He was just there for the motion, ya know). So, no my kids have not had a good Christian Father figure but with prayer he (my husband) is coming around. He is a much better husband/father now than he was in the past.
I can't help to wonder if this all rooted from an incident that happened with my son when he was only 5 years old. His 6 or 7 year old cousin (from another state) was visiting and my husband walked in on the cousin with his pants down telling our son to give him a blow job. And then within 6 months my son tried to act it out on another kid. We addressed the issue both times and talked to our son and dropped it b/c we didn't want to keep bringing up evil memories to harm him more. Till a/b 3 months ago we didn't even think that our son remembered it, but he does.
We are starting him in Christian counseling next month. I hope and pray that good will come out of it. I'm praying that he will be willing to receive the counseling and open up, not just go b/c we are taking him.
Please keep us in your prayers.
Love in Christ
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m_lee81
Registered: 08/12/09
Posts: 1
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Reply with quote | #14 |
Dear Tina
My heart aches for you and your son. I will give you some advice that will hopefully make you feel better. First of all, GOD loves your son no less because of his sexual orientation. GOD loves all of his children equally. Second, your son being gay has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. You did not cause him to become gay. And finally, there is no such thing as a gay lifestyle. Most gay people probably live just like you do. They work hard at the same jobs, Pay taxes and love eachother with the same intensity as you do.
The LORD looks at all sins the same way. It is man that assigns different values to different sins. The LORD looks at homosexuality, telling little white lies and murder all the same. We all need to be washed clean of our sins. We do this by truely believing in Jesus Christ. Now Jesus is no excuse to do whatever you want to do, but lets keep all of this in perspective here.
Your sons life isnt necissarily going to be all that different just because he is gay. Yes it will be more difficult for him to give you grandchildren, but that is pretty much the only major difference.
GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS!
ML
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