Bebroken.com Forum

'The way back'

Drugg — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 22:29:03 GMT

     Chris had been driving for quite some time.

     He knew kinda where he was but not his exact location. In the back of his mind he heard a still small voice saying, 'stop and ask for directions'... He saw the shadows on the blacktop and thought, "the sun rises in the east and sets in the west". He knew which way was North and he needed to go West. He saw a sign indicating an intersection on the side of the road and decided that was as good a place as any to turn West and continue his journey.

     Chris passed a small township on this road. It had a population of 532 and a Thrifty's Drugstore as well as several business with various 'shingles' hanging just outside each door. He saw several people here and there going about their daily business. The voice, 'stop and ask for directions' again... He had looked at a map earlier this morning and had a vague memory of a state highway somewhere to the west of his current location. He didn't need to ask for directions.

     As the town dwindled in his rear view mirror he passed houses and farms and ranches. There were still several people sprinkled about like poppy seeds on a muffin. Again, 'stop and ask for directions'... Chris was convinced that he knew exactly where he was going and also that this road would empty out onto the state highway eventually. Besides, the country side was actually very pleasant to look at, with all the flowers and trees etc.

     He came to a bridge several miles outside of the town he had just passed and the road shrunk down from 4 lanes to 2. The bridge spanned a small river, actually more of a creek really.. but it appeared deep enough for fish. He reminisced of a time when he had gone fishing with his father...

      'Chris!!' Man his dad was pissed!... 'What did I tell you about the tackle box? It almost fell out of the boat! *Why can't you be more like your brother? he mumbled... You're not going to be allowed to come with me anymore if you make that mistake again!!"

     There had definitely been better days... but, somehow it's hard to remember any good times... the bad stuff flows like water to a thirsty man.

     Chris notices that during his daydream, (he was driving with his peripheral vision like most people do when they are on the phone or doing something other than driving while in the car) the road had narrowed quite a bit and there was definitely more vegetation. He couldn't see nearly as far across the country side as when he had first left the town. He checked his Odometer, already gone 63 miles... wow.
He also noticed that there were no more farms... no more ranches... no people anywhere, just a little 2 lane road that seemed to be shrinking as he drove. He is more sure now than before that the road will spill out onto the state highway somewhere ahead of him. Mostly because, it's too far to turn around and go back now. Better to just forge ahead and take what comes than to turn around and waste all that time getting back to familiar territory.

     The farther he travels the more he is convinced that 'just around the next corner' there will be the highway and he can continue his journey. He crosses another creek... and the blacktop ends. Now it's just a dirt road, potholes an ruts everywhere. He checks his gas gauge... 1/4 tank... hope that highway shows up soon. The odometer reads 82 miles he has traveled from the diner he left this afternoon. His memory tells him he should have reached the highway by now based on a fuzzy picture in his mind of what the map said. It's also starting to get dark, which won't help much way out here because there are no street lamps to speak of. He's been in the country at night, it's dark... really dark.

     As he continues down the road it has dwindled to actually not much more than a path really and there is so much overgrowth of trees with something that looks like ivy and bushes etc. that there is virtually no visibility except straight ahead. The only problem with 'straight ahead' is that there is no 'straight ahead' ... the path has been starting to 'wind' for about 3 miles. As he comes around the next curve he thinks that a tree has fallen across the 'road'. He stops and gets out. He walks over to the tree to see what is on the other side...

     There is nothing

     The 'road' just ends... it's not just blocked by the tree. He can tell by looking at it that the road never was finished. It just stops out here in the middle of nowhere like the guys building it got tired and went home... years ago. He gets back into his car and proceeds to try and turn it around. The 'road' is so small that the car will not fit on the road sideways... the road had gone down to one lane while he was cruising along not paying attention. As he gets the car about 90 degrees to the road it gets stuck in the mud which is on the side of the road. It is about this time that Chris notices that it isn't just overgrowth... he is in a full fledged swamp. There is water and mud everywhere and he hears something very large splash into the water but cannot for the life of him figure out where the sound came from. Chris realizes something as he gets out of the car to check the situation. He doesn't have enough gas to drive back even if he did get the car turned around. He looks in his trunk and finds a flashlight and checks it. The light is so dim that he thinks it must be because of the sun washing it out til he realizes that the sun has already started going down and it is actually quite dark. He turns and looks down the road the way he came. It is a long way back.

     Like Chris we often think that we know what we are doing. We pretty much have lived for a while on this planet and our opinions and philosophies have served us well. I am a grown man and I can take care of myself. The thing is... our sexual addiction didn't happen overnight. In my case? It took years... 36 to be exact. That means that I have 36 years worth of 'traveling' before I reach the point that I diverged from the true path. It is a long way back, a lifetime. It is dark and tiring and scary and tedious blah blah blah... It is going to hurt to go all that way back to the turning point. Unlike Chris, we have someone to walk the long road with us. His name is Jesus. He has a flashlight and warm clothes if needed and good things to eat and drink. They don't taste the same as what we have been eating... but they are way better for us. It is an acquired taste. It takes time and effort to walk with God... it's not easy. Easy is what got us lost in the first place. He is always there for us though. He is waiting for you... on the way back.

Forum: Speak out...

My Problem

jdrandm — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 23:29:36 GMT

I recently heard about this organization while watching television. I didn't really know what to do or expect but I came here anyway. I recently realized I had a serious problem. I had been living with it for a while, but now it's gotten worse.

Even writing this is very difficult.

For years now I have been addicted to pornography. I was not introduced to it until later in life, but it has still been burdensome on my life and relationships.

My problem began to materialize my sophomore year in college (2002). I was at work using a computer and doing real work when I stumbled across a website. Like an idiot I clicked on it and to this day I regret it. Since then the urges to look for things online had grown.

I was raised in the church and am..was active so I know it's wrong that I can not do this by myself but time and time again I lie to myself so I can save myself the embarassment. I have prayed and cried to God to get rid of it and to help me but I keep struggling. I have younger brothers that mean the world to me and I fear that one day they'll catch me and be crushed or worse, will begin to struggle with the same issue.

I realized it was becoming a big problem when I would look on the internet with other people in the house. Sometimes in the next room or worst in the same room not paying attention. I've even tried at work. The other sign that there was a real problem was when I was with a woman I could perform and those images and videos would pop into my head. That scared me straight for a little. I really want to be married and have kids (clearly there was another issue, sex before marriage) but this is really a stumbling block. I can't be married and raise children with a problem like this.

Another side to the problem and probably more disturbing and problematic is that it is homosexual porn. I've tried to "cure" myself so many ways, but clearly nothing works. I am terrified to tell my family, friends or church family. I know they will all love and help me through it, but there is still that fear and the damage control to come after. People not wanting to be around me. My brothers scared of me and thinking of me so negatively. My family and church disappointed. I don't know what to do. The possibility that women will not want to be with me.

I fell like I am killing myself (not suicidal).

I have a very visible part at my church but I can not do those things like this. I have been viewed as a leader, but I step back because I don't want to affect people negativiely. How can God use me when I haev so many issues/demons that I am dealing with. It is spiritual irresponsible of me, yet I feel as though I am backsliding.

I really want and need help but am sooo afraid.

Forum: Share your story...

my story of how i became addicted to vag

withdrawalsfromvag — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 06:46:09 GMT

im not sure where a good place to start is so i think ill go to the beginning.

im a 39 year old married man. i live with my parents as well as my wife and our beautiful 3 children. my parents live upstairs and we have the middle floor and the basement. i am the owner of a chain of day cares in arizona.

i think my first problem started when i was about 9 years old. i accidentally walked in on my parents making intimate love. this was my first exposure to sex. it was unfortunate however because there was another male present that i had never met before. they were having a threesome. it was a terrible experience because while my dad was having sex with my mom the other man was having sex with my dad. what made it even more awkward was that there was chocolate syrup, marshmellows, and pumpkins being used in a sexually explicit manner. at the time i didnt know any better but this was obviously a very bad starting place for me.

i never had any more encounters like that so let me fast forward to my adult life. after i graduated from college i started up a day care center. beautiful women would drop kids off every day. this is where i met my wife. her name is oafilia. she was a single mother with a kid named maria. i eventually worked up with the courage to ask her out and so we started dating. we ended up getting married and about that time her daughter moved to australia with a man named raul. we havent heard from them since.

my wife likes role playing. at first it was fun. she would be a school girl, etc. but then it started to get more and more out there. for example, one time she wanted to be a fire fighter so she carried me around the house in a firemans carry and then we made love. she also wanted to be a lumberjack one time, so she pretended like she was devouring my erection. these type of situations started to change me.

eventually i got tired of my wife. she outgrew the roleplaying and only wanted to do strictly missionary sex which gets boring after a while. instead of going work i hired a few people to do my job but didnt tell my wife, and spent most of my days watching porns and attaching electro shock pads to my nipples because it unleashed a truly unbelievable feeling. this started to get boring after a while, so i started seeing prostitutes. i would have unprotected sex then go home and have missionary sex with my wife. one time i accidentally transferred gonorrhia to her but i was able to lie my way out of my cheating. after seeing prostitutes for a few years i got bored and one of them gave me the name of a guy who on the streets is called fields masta j. he hooked me up and introduced me to the world of prostitution. i was a male prostitute who specialized in fetishes.

i still remember one night because this was the night when i realized that i need to stop. i went to this ladies house. she was about 80 years old. she had a fetish for breakfast foods so while i was having sex with her she rubbed oatmeal on my back and used sausages as dildos. she started rubbing scrambled eggs on her breasts. this was not the type of ihop breakfast i was used to. when we were done she thanked me but i have never been the same. every time i see a plate of eggs i shake violently but become arroused at the same time. i love breakfast food so this was too big of a sacrifice for me. on top of that im on the brink of divorce but i dont like my wife that much so i may let that happen. i just want to eat breakfast food again.

so now ive been rehab and detoxed my way off of porn and sex. its hard to avoid sexual matters in the media especially when people like megan foxx are out there. thank god i dont know anybody like that because i would gladly relapse if it meant i could have some crazy breakfast sex with her. but for the most part ive done a good job and my kids have never been involved. a couple time some mothers at the day care have seen me drained from all the sex the night before but i dont think they thought much of it. except after that one night i still had oatmeal in my hair the next morning but i was able to lie about that because i gave the kids oatmeal at the day care.

im just looking for some advice and people i can relate to. this is pretty much my story. feel free to comment or ask questions and i look forward to connecting with you very much. thank you

Forum: Share your story...

Looking for 5 other guys for online recovery group

nitsuj80 — Wed, 13 May 2009 03:25:15 GMT

My name is Justin and I am looking for 5 other guys that struggle with sexual addiction and would be interested in a more formal form of Christian Recovery. I am in the process of forming an on line Christian based 12 step recovery group that would meet once a week on line using Dell Video Chat Software. The group would utilize Mark Laasers L.I.F.E. curriculum and be a safe/secure place where honesty and transparency would be encouraged. I have been in recovery for over three years and was leading a group up until I had to relocate for a job. I currently live in a town of under 1,000 people so forming a group would be a challenge to say the least. Since moving I have been trying to call people throughout the week and check in with the group every Tuesday. However doing the solo recovery thing has been extremely hard. That is what gave me the idea to form a group like this.

If this sounds like something you might be interested or have more questions please e-mail me at nitsuj80@gmail.com

Thanks a lot and God Bless,

Justin

Forum: Share your story...

Dealing with temptation at work. Unique situation, what can I do?

Scotty15 — Mon, 11 May 2009 18:23:20 GMT

Hi,

My name is Scotty and I'm 39/single.   I work in an atmosphere where I'm alone in the mornings and in the evenings on given days/nights.   I have access to dozens upon dozens of PC's that are unfiltered. I've taken the necessary actions of putting accountability software on the handful of PC's I have immediate access to here at work but I can't go and install the softward on all of the other PC's at work. I've tried asking if I could ONLY have access to my PC at work but the request was denied. They ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT grant me this request.    I don't feel comfortable having access to all of these PC's.   It's a real temptation for me!

I've thought about quitting my job but in this day and age, where am I going to find another job with the way the economy is?   I feel like I"m stuck between a rock and a hard place!

I really need help!   Just this morning, I logged onto another PC and downloaded porn by printing it and having it sent to my work station printer.   I was all ready to go and act out but I ripped up the pictures because I knew better than to ahead with my plan.

Please help!

Forum: Submit your question

It's just what I know...

Dfence247 — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 06:50:27 GMT

It's fourth grade and I'm hanging out with my buddy Jake. We go to his house after school and hang out until baseball practice like we usually do, only this time, Jake wants to show me something that he found. His Dad has a secret stash of Playboy magazines and Jake found the hiding spot. We didn't care why he was hiding them all we knew was that they were exciting to look at. Thus begins my life struggle.

My parent's never talked about anything sexual except for one occasion at the age of 13 when my mother sat me down and said, "When you feel like you're ready for sex, I want you to let us know and we'll make sure you have rubbers." There are no Christians in my family. I came to Christ as a child, but knew nothing of the life, then rededicated my life as a sophomore in high school. I am 25 and currently in a Master's program at a well-known Christian institution, earning my degree in Marriage and Family Therapy.

The struggle of pornography in my life has been an arduous path and one of contention with a most courageous enemy. In every battle I lose (*which is often), I wonder why this separate motor that seems to run unhesitatingly, can drive me into known destruction. It's like I'm spiritually Bipolar. Two states that dictate my behavior. Kind of like the dueling natures right? I am fully aware of the negativity a life of addiction brings, the hurt, the separateness in relationship from God and from family/friends. I understand my path, the things that have led me to where I am now, and I have thoroughly examined every instance I chose to feed the sinful nature rather than the Spirit. I believe in Jesus and I have experienced His love, I have felt His touch, and I have seen His heart, but one thing always remains to cut me down and pull me away--my addiction. How can this be!!!!!! Why is it so easy to fall? I have friends who have no issue with pornography, so why must I? I just did the math and I have been struggling for 16 years. Can you believe this is basically my first confession of saying I have an addiction? I often think to myself, "I'm not addicted to pornography, I'm addicted to orgasm." I hate even sharing that. Shame is my best friend and closest companion, but I hide him from everyone. What would people think if they knew of my secret Shame? My friends would think differently or less of me because I'm not this great Christian who only struggles with things like lying or not tithing like I should.

I'm 11 and at a birthday party with my friends. We're celebrating Jeff's 13th birthday. His house is small, as is his bedroom where we all go to see his father's birthday present--an hour of pay-per-view porn. None of us say no or leave because it wouldn't be a tough thing to do. You're supposed to want to see that kind of stuff and deciding not to would give you the identity of being "gay." The roots grow deeper.

I remember my high school years well and the difficult time I had then. I remember coming home late at night, to "sleeping" parents who always left their TV on. My bedroom was right next to theirs and as I turned off my light and watched their TV, I would wait five minutes or so before I would see the satellite menu come up, then a quick scroll to the movie channels (HBO, Showtime, Cinemax) and observe the selection of some pornographic show. My father was hooked and I was all the more shamed. I'm not sure why I felt more shame in knowing he had the same struggle. I would test him or try to make him change the channel sometimes by making noise or going to the bathroom, but I often fell asleep watching it. I remember one instance in junior high where I sat and watched the TV through the door crack and was very careful not to make a sound or get too close that they might see me. They never caught me. The roots grow deeper.

I've tried the accountability scene... It seems we all know how effective that proves to be. Great potential--zero follow through. In my case, every friend I engage in accountability with is too afraid to touch the deep. The summation of our time is built around artificial or surface struggles. If I say, "Do you ever have an issue with your computer and being alone?" then they quickly try to come up with a less potent response. I had one person respond by getting very anxious, their face turned white and then they said, "Yeah, I've noticed that I have been spending too much money on ebay..." I beg God to help me find someone who I can tell this junk to. Don't you wish for a safe place where someone would just listen? That is why I'm sharing this here. I don't know if anyone will read this, but I do know I have found some kind of outlet for this dark place. I am praying for God's light to press in on this darkness. "For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light." (Ps. 36:9)

Forum: Share your story...

I need help, and prayer

shattering_steve — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 07:35:19 GMT

I've been up for what seems like hours just trying to find a message board aimed at helping people recover from sexual sin. It seems like there used to be a lot more. Anyway, i am falling apart. I'm a 20 year old Bible school student (yes, thats right, Bible school) who has been struggling with pornography and masturbation since I was about 13 (rough guess). I've tried stopping, i've tried accountability partners. My old youth pastor helps keep me accountable but i still can't get over it. When I was 16 i met a girl at church, long story short slept with her, almost married her, then we broke up just before my 18th birthday and the beginning of my senior year of high school. Struggled through that year, and my first year at college, but I was doing pretty good. I think by the summer I had not looked at porn or masturbated in several months. But, I met another girl at school, and we both stayed at worked for the school over the summer. I love her to death, we both prayed before deciding to date, and I can honestly say I have never touched her inappropriately. The problem is that i want to. We make dumb choices sometimes that get us in situations where both our hormones fly and i'm afraid if we continue, we won't make it until marriage. She is a virgin and the LAST thing I want to do is compromise that. I want to marry her and she wants to marry me, but we can't until next summer (not engaged yet but soon). However, when the summer hit, sexual sin crept back into my life first with masturbation, then when possible pornography as well. It started small but grew and I am so lustful now that sex seems to be all I think about. I can't access porn at school because of the internet filter, but as soon as I get home, its instant access. I have the x3watch accountability software, but I know ways around it (I'm a computer technician). I need help. My girlfriend doesn't know the extent of my struggle, she just knows that I "struggle". I feel comfortable talking to her about anything, but i can't seem to tell her just how much I struggle. I don't know what to do. My life is crumbling from the inside out and the only ones who know it are me and God. Speaking of God, my spiritual life is non-existent. I try to spend time with Him, but i can't regulate it, can't make it a habit. I feel like i've tried everything and only become more tangled up. Does ANYONE have any advice, aside from the "Well you need to give it to God" crap because i've done that, a lot...I really feel lost, and hopeless. the books didn't help me (Every Man's Battle, At the Altar of Sexual Immorality). I don't know how to stop, every time I have, it has come back, usually stronger...

Forum: Share your story...

Please pray for me.

ntn — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 13:59:38 GMT

Please pray for me. I have not DONE anything wrong but very perverted, dark, and twisted thoughts have entered my heart and mind. I am ashamed about these feelings. I find that they are present when I don't have a solid relationship with my mother. Then, Satan finds an opening in my mind.
Please, please pray for me to overcome adultery, emotional infidelity, and secret fantasies and perversions. Satan is real. Christ is real but not enough. I read the New Testament but we need to pray for each other. Please pray for me to uproot and remove the very deepest psychological subconscious roots of my disorder and to experience clarity and peace.

Please pray for me.
N

Forum: Share your story...

What do I do? I Need Help!

Godswarrior — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 18:28:48 GMT

As I write this message. I'm thinking about how I got involved in this bondage. A young 12 year old boy not knowing the seeds of devastation I was sowing into my life. I so many times wish I could go back and prevent myself from heading down porn's path of destruction. My question is "How does one who was so on fire for God end up where I am?" I really question my salvation. I'm in the dumps as you would say. This is a war and I'm really losing! I'm retreating instead of fighting for my purity. I've bought books, been prayed over countless times, etc. but I really know the issue is me. How does one like the thing that's actually destroying them? I see things dying in my life because of this evil but it's like I can't stop. Purity seems so impossible to me because of my experiences and failures. I go to church and feel like a fraud. I want to talk to someone but I don't believe there is someone I can trust in my church. I pray God raises up more men who are facing this issue. I pray he delivers them to deliver others. This area is keeping so many men captive. I know the bondage, fear, regret, despair, guilt, condemnation, etc. It's horrible. I ask for comments, advice, criticism, etc. I wan't to be God's warrior but right now I'm not even fighting!

Forum: Share your story...

Can God forgive me?

iamprecious — Thur, 16 Oct 2008 17:56:35 GMT

Hi all,

I am 23 years old man. I am addicted to internet porn and masturbation so badly...
I never imagine i will fall in this trap. I have dream to get out from this addiction so long, but never got it. I dont know what actually in my heart, sometimes i just like to do this sin, but sometimes i feel so guilty for doing that.

Everytime i ask for forgiveness from God, I will condemn because i know that the next day i will do it again. I am feeling so depress and everyday i have a bad mood, dissapoinment, bitterness. I don't know what to do!!... i feel that i am alone that face this problem.. it is so tough.. there is a time when i try not to do masturbation and internet porn.. i only can handle it for a week, after that i back to the 'routine'.

please help me... i don't what to do.. i want to hate sin.. but i feel that i really enjoying what i do.. can God forgive me?? i know that God's love is beyond man's imagination.. but i am not really convince...

if there is someone in here that have overcame this addiction, you can share your experience.. thanks a lot guys.. God bless U

Forum: Submit your question

Fourty Day Journey Begins

digitalvariant — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 06:49:36 GMT

Ok this is it. My Declaration of 40 days. I will need a lot of encouragement and prayer.
I will work on coming to this website every day and beginning my 40 days today. September 25th. 40 days will not be easy to sustain but with updates and posts of other people I know I can overcome this problem. Please Help me along and I will do work with you guys to help overcome this destructive habit and be free from it forever.

Forum: Share your story...

New Here

NeedCoffee — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 04:58:53 GMT

Hi all,

I found this board this evening and registered to tell "my story."

I am 52 years old, male and have never married. I have been physically celibate for 25 years. I emphasize physical celibacy because I am certainly not in mind.

I have had an attraction to pornography since I was introduced to it while in the military. It was fairly easy to control back then as you had to drive into the seedy parts of town to the theaters that showed it. When it started appearing on cable tv, I actually disconnected the cable for several years to avoid the scrambled channels that were not so scrambled. With the advent of the Internet, it has been much more difficult and I have fallen many, many times over the years. I have simply been worn out and quite frankly I'm tired of fighting.

After a long time I noticed that my weakest moments are Thursday nights (I'm off on Fridays) when I get home from work. It seems that the deflation of the work week leaves me relaxed and more vulerable. I have simply kept the computer off and have often left it off over the weekend. Nobody emails me anyhow.

The porn channels on satellite TV aren't a problem. I don't know why, but they just aren't. Maybe it's that I have to pay for them (it's not that I'm cheap or anything, I just don't want to waste money).

I've been through the Every Man's Battle program. That was a few years ago. I've relapsed since then many times and viewed every sort of legal porn.

I've read through the posts here that talk about masturbation. Sure, I would like to have no sexual desire at all and not even have to join in this conversation, but that isn't reality. I masturbate a couple of times a week, and, believe it or not, have used it before going online to mitigate sexual desire. It has helped me from looking at porn, although I understand the arguments against it. Frankly, I'm not convinced that it is the deadly sin many think it is. The folks at Every Man's Battle suggest abstaining and letting the body clear itself. I have tried that and last a couple of months before I go crazy. I have had one or two wet dreams about 20 years ago, but my body just doesn't seem to want to cooperate in that area.

I guess that's all for now. I guess I'm tired of having desire, and, being single, having to fight it. Were I married at least there would be the possibility of satisfaction, but, alas, that is not reality right now.

Forum: Speak out...

Sustaining purity is so tough.

digitalvariant — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 06:43:47 GMT

I have been struggling with the addiction to pornography for 5-6 years now and I have been fighting it for most of that time. I can go a week or more without looking at it but just one wrong turn on a site will trigger a bad click or such. It is so hard to maintain purity. I have been a christian for my entire life and I know I have jesus there for help. I just need so much prayer so please and thank you. This is my story God will write the rest.
In His name,
D.B

Forum: Share your story...

I want to be free

libre — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 23:38:14 GMT

Hello everyone

I am hoping that this resource will work for me as I have tried to break this addiction by myself with not results so far.

I became a Christian approximately 8 years ago, it happened after many issues going on in my life such as love deceptions, drinking and many other things that I used to do from my teenager days until I turned 23 years old.

When I met my wife she wasnt a Christian she was Catholic as we grew up in South America where most of the population is Catholic. My wife is older than my 9 years to be exact. The first night that we met we ended up having sex and I thought it was great, even do I had some regrets because I was trying to bring her to GOD.

During our early days, the relationship was on fire. We were connected and sex was one of the main strengths. However my pastors advised me to break this and live a pure relation not having sex before getting married.

She ended up getting pregnant and for me it wasnt a problem as I felt that I loved her. We have been married for 7 years now. We have two children and I feel that I love her, we have overcome many issues in our life but not my sex appetite and addictions.

At the beginning because she wasnt mature enough in her Christian life I used to rent porn movies and watched with her but she suggested that she didnt feel comfortable doing it. After a while she was sort of OK in letting me watch it and knowing that I was going to masturbate in the other room.

I realize that this became a big issue, now my wife is a Christian and she doesnt approve any of that stuff any more. I feel terrible because I now that any time I visit a porn web page I am contributing to spread the sin and contribute to an industry of devil people because I am sure those people can be involved in stuff we never would imagine.

Now my addiction is a secret, which is worst part because I feel shame. I have tried to quit but I always fail. I work on a roster basis and being sometimes alone at home it gives me the perfect opportunity to go to porn web pages and masturbate.

I need to get connected with people that I can talk to and not feel shame. My sexual life with my wife is terrible we have discussed so many times but nothing changes.

She completely lost her sexual appetite. At the beginning that was my excuse thinking, I prefer to do this than going out with another woman But I know in my heart that that is not right. I haven't had any affair but couple of times I have been close to end it up in bed with another woman.

I am in Australia I would love to connect to anyone over the internet or so and being accountable.

Pray for me as I will do it for you

Thanks
Libre

Forum: Speak out...

Bringing Out The Dead

surge98b — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 01:30:07 GMT

I have struggled with many addictions throughout my life- drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and pornography to name but a few. The worst by far has been the pornography. I struggled with it for over 35 years. During all of this time I have been a Christian. I was saved when I was 8. My mother was a Sunday school teacher in our local FBC, (First Baptist Church) in Denver. My mother and father divorced a few months later. My mother was bi-polar, drifted away from the church and I was left to pretty much raise myself after my dad left. I got in a lot of trouble. I was arrested the first time at 10. Was smoking marijuana at 11. I smoked cigarettes regularly by 12. I was a drunk by the time I was 16. I was in and out of lockups, drug rehabs and group homes throughout my teen years. I quit doing drugs by the late 80's, although prescription painkillers have snared me a few times over the years. I quit smoking New Years 1995. I drank throughout all of this time and jumped on and off the wagon a few times. I've finally admitted I'm an alcoholic and have been sober since Oct '07. During this entire time though I was also using pornography. In the earlier days it wasn't as bad because it was more difficult to hide and obtain. (I started when I was 11 and found a stack of Playboys in the neighbors garbage). You had to go to porn shops and risk being caught or settle for what you get off the rack at the local convenience store. As porn became more acceptable and our society slides further away from God it became easier to obtain. I used to go to the old BBS systems and download porn too, but it took a long time to download and you had to hide it on your computer. Then came high speed Internet. Oh boy! Porn was instant and accessible anywhere, anytime. My addiction grew worse and consumed me. I let the rest of my life and family slide away. By this time I was married and have 2 children. I was a ministry leader at my church for a couple of years during the worst times. I would sit in the back running the video and graphic systems. Everyone would stop by the booth and tell me how great I was and what an inspiration I was to everyone. I knew Id looked at porn that morning and would do so as soon as I got home from church. I was usually hung over in church too. It is true that porn is a giant elephant sitting in the pews and no one even sees it. My wife finally sent me an email one day since she couldn't reach me with words anymore, and told me she couldn't take it anymore. The drinking and porn was killing her a little everyday. I had tried on my own many times to quit. I figured since I had stopped everything else I should be able to quit this on my own too, right? WRONG! I finally found Lee Preston at Shadow of His Wings Ministry. He is a compassionate, professional, Christian counselor. He guided me to the roots of my addiction and helped me back to God. I am here now to reach out to you and tell you that if I got through this, you can too. There is hope, light and freedom at the end of this long, dark tunnel. My goal now is to spread honesty and accountability. I have told many of my friends and co-workers that I struggle with porn. They don't even bat an eye. Most of them have confessed that they do too. We need to speak out on this. It is the only way to defeat the Enemy. Drag him kicking and screaming into the light. I'm Bringing Out The Dead!

Forum: Speak out...